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Click below to read
excerpts
from the book,
Changed:
Welcome
Over the years I’ve heard many heartrending
stories about abortion. Although each story is
unique, a common thread moves through them all—
abortion changes you.
Yet it is difficult to find a safe place to help
abortion participants —and those who are closest
to them— explore this tragic truth. I am
troubled by the increasing polarization of the
abortion debate—a debate that tends to hinder
reasoned discussion and keep those who are
personally touched by abortion from reaching
out.
I primarily wrote this book for those who are
touched by abortion. However, I hope that
people who haven’t been personally touched by
abortion will read this book as well.
The purpose of this book is threefold:
• Communicate to those
who’ve been touched by abortion that they are
not alone
• Heighten awareness of
an abortion’s impact on various family members
and friends
• Create a place of
safety for participants to begin exploring their
feelings and seeking resolution
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
At current abortion rates, one in three women in
the United States will have had an abortion by
age 45. That means a significant percentage of
men will have also participated in abortion—
either knowingly or unknowingly.
Although abortion has touched many of us, we
rarely share our personal experiences. Shame or
guilt may play a role in hiding our abortions.
And the rancorous public debate certainly
doesn’t encourage dialogue about this personal
and extremely sensitive topic. We sometimes lack
the language to discuss the conflicted emotions
that trouble us.
Whatever the reason, silence perpetuates the
myth that we stand alone in our abortion
experiences— or at least that we’re alone amidst
the emotional debris.
HEIGHTEN AWARENESS OF AN ABORTION’S IMPACT
In addition to the tens of millions of men and
women who’ve experienced abortion firsthand,
there are countless other family members, such
as the woman’s parents and her children, who are
also impacted by the decision to abort.
It is rare for someone not to know a family
member or friend who’s had an abortion.
Regardless of whether or not a person’s family
members or friends were directly involved in the
abortion decision, they are still touched by it.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and
siblings are left grappling with the loss of a
family member— a loss that typically isn’t
openly acknowledged. They may also be disturbed
by the emotional fallout they observe in the
woman or in her partner. They often feel
helpless and confused.
How do you grieve a loss that isn’t acknowledged
by our culture?
How do you reach out to someone you love without
causing them more pain?
CREATE A
PLACE OF SAFETY
Many men and women are seeking to make sense of
their own or a loved one’s abortion experience.
I hope this book will aid them in their search
by creating—
• A place of safety in
which to consider the impact of abortion
• A place where they
can explore their feelings and identify their
losses
• A place removed from
politics and activism and labels
This book seeks to convey the real experiences
of real people. I invite you to begin by reading
and reflecting upon the following voices. And as
you read, I hope you’ll be able to address your
own emotions regarding abortion and to gain a
better understanding of what others have
experienced.
I also hope the stories in this book will begin
to equip you with new language so you’re better
able to sensitively and compassionately
communicate with others about abortion.
Although the stories in this book are real, I’ve
chosen to conceal the true identities of the
people involved. Because abortion impacts
multiple family members and friends, it’s
unlikely that all those who’ve been impacted
will reach a place of healing and wholeness
simultaneously. Just as their loss and pain are
tragic and real, their timelines for healing are
also varied and unique. Therefore, the healing
process shouldn’t be forced or interrupted.
Further information about healing can be found
in later chapters, starting with the chapter
called “Healing Pathways.”
— Michaelene
“My Child Would Have Been 22 This Year”
As a teenager, I assumed legalized abortion was
necessary for women to attain their educational
and career goals. So it’s not surprising that
when I became pregnant at 18, I had an abortion.
I was completely unprepared for the emotional
fallout after the abortion. I thought the
abortion would erase the pregnancy. I thought I
could move on with my life.
I was wrong.
Although I didn’t feel this way before the
procedure, it was now clear to me that the
abortion ended the life of my child. I felt
guilty and desired punishment.
I deserved to suffer.
I soon found myself in a cycle of
self-destructive behavior that included an
eating disorder. Desperate for a fresh start, I
broke up with my boyfriend, quit my job, and
moved from the Midwest to Hawaii. Although
Hawaii was breathtakingly beautiful and bursting
with life, I felt dead inside. It didn’t take
long for me to realize I couldn’t escape from
myself.
About two years after the abortion, I was living
in Southern California when I began experiencing
periods of intense anger followed by periods of
profound sadness. For weeks and sometimes months
at a time, I was too fatigued to do more than
eat a meal and shower during the day. I lost
interest in food, and my weight fell dangerously
low. This downward spiral continued until
suicidal thoughts began to scare me. That’s when
I finally went to see a therapist.
With the help of counselors and supportive
friends, my time of self-condemnation and
self-punishment came to an end. I was finally
able to enter into a healthy grieving process.
As I grieved the loss of my child, I slowly
became aware of how my choice to abort had
impacted my family...a choice they only learned
about when I decided to go public with my
experience. I was surprised and saddened that my
parents, my sister, and even my children
struggled to deal with the loss of a family
member through abortion.
In addition to coping with the fallout that the
abortion has caused in my family, there are
still times that are painful for me. After all,
healing doesn’t mean forgetting. If my child had
gone to college, she would have graduated this
year. This child would now be a young woman with
gifts and abilities, hopes and dreams… her whole
life ahead of her.
There will always be a hole in my heart— a hole
in the fabric of our family and our community.
My child would have been 22 this year.
— Michaelene
“I Never Had the Chance to Know My Brother or
Sister”
The day after I graduated from eighth grade, my
mother had an abortion. She raised me to be
pro-choice, so I really didn’t think much about
it. Well, not until last year.
While my mother was driving me back to college,
out of the blue she told me she’d had another
abortion while I was growing up. At first I was
shocked, then I was appalled, and finally I was
angry with her. I’ve spent a lot of time
thinking about what it would have been like to
have two siblings. I’m angry with my mother that
she would abort them— that she would take them
away from me. I feel like my life as an only
child is a lie.
But I also began to understand why my mother
struggles with depression. While I was growing
up, there were so many times that her bedroom
door would be closed, and I could hear her
crying in her room.
I feel compassion for my mother; but at the same
time, I am angry with her. We used to be very
close, but now there is distance between us. I
want to repair the damage to our relationship;
but first, I’d need to share how I feel about
her abortions. I’m afraid to do that— I’m afraid
I’ll hurt her, I’m afraid I’ll be too angry to
control myself.
— Amber
“My Wife Gets Depressed Around the Anniversary
of Our Daughter’s Abortion”
When my daughter, Lisa, was in college, she
became pregnant by an older man. She called her
mother and me for help. Ann immediately caught a
flight to be with Lisa and to help her think
through her options. We wanted Lisa to have the
baby; but ultimately, she chose to have an
abortion. Ann was devastated by Lisa’s decision.
Maybe if I’d been a better father, this wouldn’t
have happened…
My daughter has never gotten over it. Lisa never
married, and now it appears that she’ll never
have any children. Since Lisa is our only child,
that means we’ll never have grandchildren. I
think about the abortion from time to time, and
it hurts me to do so.
But I must admit—it’s much more painful to watch
my wife. Ann has never stopped grieving the loss
of our grandchild. Every year on the anniversary
of the baby’s due date, Ann mourns and struggles
with depression. Yet she won’t talk about it
with Lisa because she doesn’t want to cause our
daughter additional pain. Abortion has
profoundly affected our family. It has changed
all of us.
— William
“I Often Wonder if There Was Something I Could
Have Done to Help Her”
My girlfriend told me she had an abortion two
months after she did it. She said the baby was
mine; the decision was hers. I don’t even know
what to think about that.
I don’t know what I would have said or what I
would have encouraged her to do, but I should
have been given the chance!
— Mitch
HEALING PATHWAYS
You may use this book to tell your story,
explore your feelings, identify and grieve your
losses, recognize unhealthy behaviors, and begin
to experience healing. This book provides a
place that is set apart from politics, from
labels, from debate. This space and time is
yours. The following chapters are a starting
point for reflection and healing regarding the
personal impact of abortion.
Although the following chapters suggest a
healing pathway, the process isn’t linear.
Healing typically moves in a spiraling
cycle—messy circles that tighten and relax over
time.
There isn’t a set timeline—nor should healing be
forced. Each person will go through the process
differently. I invite you to turn the page and
begin your journey.
If you haven’t experienced abortion, I
encourage you to read through the following
chapters so you’ll be better able to
compassionately assist others who need healing.
Please remember that you cannot force people to
heal—they must welcome healing and embark upon
the journey themselves. Once the journey has
begun, however, they will often need care and
support.
You can order the book
Changed: Making Sense of Your Own or a Loved
One’s Abortion Experience on
www.ChangedBook.com or by calling
877-325-HEAL. Discounts for purchases of 2 or
more books are available. All proceeds benefit
the Abortion Changes
You outreach. Tax-deductible
donations can also be made on
www.ChangedBook.com or through
the toll-free number.
Abortion Changes You™
The Abortion Changes You outreach includes
dynamic resources, such as an interactive Web
site
www.AbortionChangesYou.com, the
book Changed: Making
Sense of Your Own or A Loved One’s Abortion
Experience, and connections to local
counseling resources.
Michaelene Fredenburg
Michaelene Fredenburg is the creator of the
Abortion Changes You™
outreach. In recent years she has advocated
before United States House and Senate Committee
hearings about the impact of abortion on women
and the need for studies that evaluate the
emotional and physical impact of all pregnancy
outcomes. Michaelene also founded the Women’s
Resource Committee that publishes a
comprehensive directory of services for pregnant
and parenting women in San Diego County and she
serves as the chair for the San Diego County
Commission on the Status of Women.
Michaelene is married and the mother of two
boys. In addition to boogie boarding, she loves
to read, play the piano, attend classical music
concerts, and train at the San Diego Academy of
Ballet.
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