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Frequently Asked Questions about Marriage
Preparation
If you have any questions that are not
answered here, please don't hesitate to
email us at
christopher.mueller@archny.org.
What's the purpose of marriage preparation?
In a sense, you have been preparing for marriage
for your entire life, because you have been
learning how to love and be loved as long as you
have been alive, and certainly as long as you
have known your future spouse. In reality, you
are the only people who can prepare yourselves
for marriage, because your relationship is
unique to the two of you.
Because marriage is so significant (see Why does
the Church have so many rules about marriage?),
the Archdiocese insists that all couples go
through the marriage preparation process. There
are several goals of this process:
- To determine whether you have the basic
elements of a psychological, intellectual, moral
and legal capability for marriage and family
life;
- To foster a clear awareness of the essential
characteristics of Catholic marriage: unity,
fidelity, indissolubility, and fruitfulness;
- To offer an opportunity for deepening your
personal faith and to help you discover of the
value of the sacraments and the experience of
prayer;
- To offer you practical advice and assistance
to preserve and cultivate your married love,
including such topics as marital communication,
and how to overcome the inevitable challenges
and difficulties of married life; and
- To provide education and support in the values
concerning the defense of human life and the
nature and importance of married sexuality, in
keeping with the authentic teachings of the
Church.
To sum this up, the goals of marriage
preparation are to help you to grow in love, and
to be open to God's grace, so that you can have
a happy and fulfilling sacramental marriage.
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What are the requirements for marriage under the
Church’s law?
According to the Canon Law (the law of the
Church), in order for a marriage to be valid,
there are certain requirements:
- at least one of
the spouses must be a baptized Catholic;
- the
wedding must be celebrated in Catholic church in
the presence of a Catholic priest/deacon/bishop
and in the presence of two other witnesses;
- the
two spouses must be free to be married (e.g., no
prior valid marriages); and
- they must be
psychologically mature and capable of consenting
to the marriage; and they must understand the
nature of Catholic marriage (i.e., exclusive,
permanent, and open to having children).
Under
the regulations of the Archdiocese, the spouses
must also meet several times with the
priest/deacon who will be witnessing their
marriage, and they must attend a marriage
preparation program.
These requirements are important to ensure the
validity of your marriage. A marriage that
doesn’t follow the Canon Law requirements (e.g.,
a civil marriage) is not valid in the eyes of the
Church. A Catholic should not enter into such a
union.
These rules are not just technical mumbo-jumbo.
They are designed to help you have a good, solid
foundation for a happy marriage. For more
information, see the question below, "Why does the Church have so
many rules about marriage?"
The priest/deacon who is witnessing your
marriage will meet with you (this meeting is
called the “Pre-Marital Interview”, or “PMI”),
to ensure all of the Canon Law requirements for
marriage have been met.
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Why does the Church have so many rules about
marriage?
For a very simple reason: the Church takes
marriage very, very seriously. And we do this
because God takes it very, very seriously.
Marriage is a sacred covenant between a man and
woman and God. It is a tremendous gift from God,
and it is a visible sign of His love and commitment to His
people (see, e.g., Eph 5:31-32).
Marriage is the foundation of the family and of
society, and it is central to the life of the
Church. It is also a public act that is
celebrated as part of the Church’s liturgy,
and introduces the
couple into a special state of life in the
Church. It creates a permanent and faithful bond
between husband and wife, and it establishes
significant rights and responsibilities between
the married couple and, eventually, their
children. It is also the most important
relationship in the life of a married couple,
and is vital to their happiness and to the
happiness of their children.
Because it is so significant, the Church wants
to make sure that a couple is properly prepared
for marriage, and that they enter into it
freely, without reservation, and with full
understanding of what is involved. The Church also has an obligation
to make sure that the marriage is celebrated in
the right way, according to the right forms. All
of this stems from the Church's a special
obligation to take care of the spiritual health
of all of God’s people.
As a result, the marriage preparation process is
governed by rules and regulations that are part
of the Church’s Canon Law (her universal law),
regulations of the Archdiocese, liturgical
rules, and particular pastoral requirements of
individual parishes and priests. While these
rules may seem complicated to those who are
unfamiliar with them, most people find them no
more difficult than the civil law requirements
governing marriage.
In addition, a couple who goes through this
process with an open heart and open mind will
find that they will address issues of critical
importance to their marriage. In having
discussions between themselves and with a
priest/deacon about these issues, they can avoid
problems in the future and have a firmer sense
of confidence in their love and in the love of
God.
In short, the Church is concerned about your
well-being, and wants you to have a great
marriage. That’s what marriage preparation is
all about.
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Do we have to give the priest or deacon any
documents?
If you’re a Catholic, you’ll need to have the
following documents:
- A certificate of Baptism, dated within six
months of your wedding date.
- Evidence of your First Holy Communion and
Confirmation (if you’ve been confirmed).
- If you’re not getting married in your home
parish, your freedom to be married must be
established, by either a statement
of "no notations" on your baptismal
certificate (e.g.,
that there are no
prior valid marriages, no religious vows, etc.)
or a letter from your pastor.
If you’re a non-Catholic Christian, you need to
have some evidence that you were baptized (e.g., a
recent baptismal certificate from your church).
Some priests/deacons will also ask you for a
letter from a parent or other adult stating that
you are free to be married (e.g., there were no prior marriages).
You will usually be asked to have these
documents at the time of the “Pre-Marital
Interview” (also called the “PMI”), a meeting at
which the priest/deacon will ensure
all of the Canon Law requirements
for marriage have been met (see
below for more information about
the "PMI").
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What if only one of us is a
Catholic and the other is a
non-Catholic Christian?
A marriage between a Catholic and a baptized
Christian (even if they're a non-Catholic) can still be
a valid sacrament,
according to the Canon Law of the Church,
provided that the couple is free to be married
(i.e., no prior valid marriages), they
understand the nature of Catholic marriage, and
the Catholic spouse obtains from his/her bishop
a formal “permission” for the marriage.
If you wish to have your wedding celebrated at a
non-Catholic church, the Catholic spouse must
also obtain a "dispensation from canonical form"
(i.e., a waiver of the formal requirements that
the wedding occur in a Catholic Church,
witnessed by a Catholic priest, deacon or
bishop) from his/her bishop. See
below for more information about
this.
If you’re from the Archdiocese, the priest or
deacon who is overseeing your marriage
preparation will help you to obtain these
documents from the Chancery Office. If you’re
from outside the Archdiocese, you should contact
a priest in your home parish to obtain these
documents. Obtaining these documents can take
time, so you should start the process early.
Please note that permission will not be granted
to have a wedding outdoors, or in a
non-religious location like a catering hall or
restaurant.
You should also be aware that there can only be
one marriage ceremony. If the wedding is
celebrated in the Catholic church, the priest
presides, and a non-Catholic minister can offer
prayers and ask a blessing on the couple. If the
wedding takes place in a non-Catholic church,
the minister presides, and a priest/deacon may
be present to offer a prayer and blessing.
The Catholic spouse is also under a serious
obligation to ensure that their children are
raised within the Catholic faith -- indeed,
during one of your interviews with the
priest/deacon who is overseeing your marriage
preparation, the Catholic spouse must make a
formal promise to that effect, and the other
spouse must be made aware of that promise.
Keep in mind that differences in religious faith
can be a significant source of stress and strain
in a marriage – especially when the issue of
children comes around (as it will, at some
point), or if there are problems with relatives
or friends over this issue. The most important
thing to do is to discuss this issue now – don’t
put it off and deal with it later. You should
have hope -- there are many, many wonderful and
strong interfaith relationships in which the
couples, based on their love and mutual respect,
grow closer to God and each other. Holiness is
always the goal, and a married couple with
religious differences can still get there -- and
be joyfully married as well -- by helping and
supporting each other.
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What if only one of us is a
Catholic and the other is a non-Christian?
According to the Canon Law of the Church, a
wedding between a Catholic and a non-Christian
can be a valid bond if the couple obtains from the
Catholic spouse’s bishop a “dispensation” due to
the “disparity of cult” .
If you wish for your
wedding to take place at a religious building
other than a Catholic church (for instance, at a
synagogue), a “dispensation from canonical form”
(i.e., a waiver of the formal requirements that
the wedding occur in a Catholic Church,
witnessed by a Catholic priest, deacon or
bishop) must also be obtained from the Catholic
spouse’s bishop. See
below for more information about
this.
If you’re from the Archdiocese, the priest or
deacon who is overseeing your marriage
preparation will help you to obtain these
documents from the Chancery Office. If you’re
from outside the Archdiocese, you should contact
a priest in your home parish to obtain these
documents. Obtaining these documents can take
time, so you should start the process early.
Please note that permission will not be granted
to have a wedding outdoors. Permission may be
granted for a wedding in a non-religious
building like a catering hall or restaurant,
only if the circumstances merit
special permission, reserved to the
judgment of the Chancery.
You should also be aware that there can only be
one marriage ceremony. If the wedding is
celebrated in the Catholic church, the priest
presides, and the non-Catholic minister (e.g., a
rabbi) can offer prayers and ask a blessing on
the couple. If the wedding takes place in
another religious location, such as a synagogue,
the non-Catholic minister presides, and a
priest/deacon may be present to offer a prayer
and blessing.
In addition, the Catholic spouse is also under a
serious obligation to ensure that their children
are raised within the Catholic faith -- indeed,
during one of your interviews with the
priest/deacon who is overseeing your marriage
preparation, the Catholic spouse must make a
formal promise to that effect, and the other
spouse must be made aware of that promise.
Keep in mind that differences in religious faith
can be a significant source of stress and strain
in a marriage – especially when the issue of
children comes around (as it will, at some
point), or if there are problems with relatives
or friends over this issue. The most important
thing to do is to discuss this issue now – don’t
put it off and deal with it later. You should
have hope -- there are many, many wonderful and
strong interfaith relationships in which the
couples, based on their love and mutual respect,
grow closer to God and each other. Holiness is
always the goal, and a married couple with
religious differences can still get there -- and
be joyfully married as well -- by helping and
supporting each other.
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What if one of us was married previously?
Obviously, you can only be
validly married to one person at a
time, and to enter into a purported
marriage with a person who was
previously validly married would be
the grave sin of adultery (see Mt.
19:3-9). If either of you ever
went through a wedding ceremony of
any kind (even if it was a civil marriage
that was later dissolved),
please speak to your priest
or deacon as soon as possible, in order to satisfy the requirements
of the Canon Law and to ensure that your
marriage will be valid.
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What if we’re getting married outside the
Archdiocese?
If you’re getting married outside of the
Archdiocese, you should speak to the priest or
deacon who will be witnessing your marriage
about your marriage preparation. Most priests in
other dioceses will be satisfied if you attend a
marriage preparation program here in the
Archdiocese, but they may ask you to work with a
priest or deacon here regarding your marriage
preparation (e.g., he may ask that a priest in
your local parish do the “Pre-Marital Interview”
or “PMI” -- see
below for more information about
this).
The spouse who is a native of the Archdiocese
will have to make sure that certain documents
are sent to the priest or deacon who will be
witnessing the marriage. You will need to have
proof of your baptism (usually a newly-issued
baptismal certificate). If the bride is a native
of the Archdiocese, she will also have to obtain
from her home parish a letter certifying that
there are no barriers to the marriage (e.g., no
prior marriage, no religious vows). Your local
priest will send the necessary documents to the
other diocese, after having the Chancery Office
endorse them with the Archdiocesan seal.
You should be aware that any dispensations or
permissions that are required by the Canon Law
must be granted by the bishop of your home
diocese. Obtaining these documents can take
time, especially if you have to get them from a
diocese outside of the country, so you should
start the process early.
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What if one of us is from outside of the
Archdiocese, or from another country?
Since you need some documents before you get
married (e.g., a certificate of baptism), you
should contact the parish in which you were
baptized. That parish will have to send the
documents to its diocesan offices, which will
then forward them here to the Archdiocese. As
you can imagine, this will take some time, so
you should start this process as soon as
possible.
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Can we get married in a place other than a
Church, like a synagogue, catering hall, or the
beach?
Before we can answer this question, an
explanation is in order about why the location
of your wedding matters so much.
The Sacrament of Marriage is a sacred event for
both the couple and for the Church as a whole.
The Sacrament is a sign not only of the love of
the couple for each other, but of the love of
God for the couple and the love of God for his
people. Indeed, one of the parties to every
Christian marriage is God Himself.
With rare
exceptions, all of the sacred events in the life
of the Catholic people (Mass, baptisms,
funerals, weddings, ordinations, confessions,
confirmations, etc.) are celebrated at a Church
-- at the sacred place that is the center of our
life as a faith community, the place where Jesus
Himself is really present in the Eucharist in
the tabernacle. The church is also the place
where past and future generations (our ancestors
and descendants) have and will worship -- so
when we gather there we act in solidarity with
all of God's people, present, past and future.
That is also why weddings are supposed to be
celebrated at the home parish of one of the
future spouses (by custom, it is usually the
bride's parish) -- so that your own part of the
universal Christian community can come (at least
symbolically) to be witness to and supporters of
your Sacrament, in their own special holy place.
Essentially, location has meaning, just as the
words of the marriage vows have meaning. Sacred
events belong in sacred places, and secular
events belong in secular locations. The requirement of Canon Law reminds us of
the sacred nature of marriage, the special
participation of God and His Church, and the
place of every marriage in the life of the
Church. A catering hall, a park, the beach, or city hall,
are not sacred places, however nice they may be
-- they are certainly not places where the
Catholic people ordinarily come together to
worship God in the presence of Jesus and each
other.
So, by all means have a wonderful wedding
reception at
an appropriate secular location. But the
right place for your sacred exchange of
wedding vows is a sacred place -- in a
church.
Having said that, the answer to the question
depends on whether a
marriage is
between two
Catholics,
between a Catholic and another
Christian, or
between a Catholic and a
non-Christian. Take a look at the next few
questions to see which applies to your
situation.
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Marriage Outside of a Church -- Marriage Between
Two Catholics
Under the Canon Law a marriage between two
Catholics must be celebrated in a parish church.
Under the regulations of the Archdiocese of New
York, permission is never granted for a marriage
between two Catholics to be celebrated in such
places as parks, restaurants, catering halls,
hotels, cruise ships, or the beach.
The only exception is for a marriage in a
Catholic chapel if one of the spouses is a
student, graduate, faculty member, or has some
other significant connection to the
institution. Permission must be requested from the
local pastor. Your priest/deacon will help
you obtain this permission.
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Marriage Outside of a Church -- Marriage Between
a Catholic and a Non-Catholic Christian
Out of respect for other Christian communities,
permission can be obtained for a wedding between
a Catholic and a non-Catholic Christian to
celebrated at a non-Catholic church. The
Catholic spouse must obtain a "dispensation from
canonical form" (i.e., a release from the formal
requirements that the wedding occur in a
Catholic Church, witnessed by a Catholic priest,
deacon or bishop) from his/her bishop.
Your priest/deacon will help you to obtain this
dispensation from the Chancery Office. Obtaining
the dispensation can take time, so you should
start the process early.
You should note, however, that under the
regulations of the Archdiocese, permission will
be granted to have a wedding between a
Catholic and another Christian outdoors, or in
a non-religious location like a catering hall or
restaurant only if the circumstances merit
special permission, reserved to the
judgment of the Chancery.
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Marriage Outside of a Church -- Marriage between
a Catholic and a non-Christian
Out of respect for other faiths, permission can
be obtained for a wedding between a Catholic and
a non-Christian to take place at a religious
building other than a Catholic church (for
instance, at a synagogue). To do this, the
Catholic spouse must obtain a “dispensation from
canonical form” (i.e., a release from the formal
requirements that the wedding occur in a
Catholic Church, witnessed by a Catholic priest,
deacon or bishop) from his/her bishop.
The priest or deacon who is overseeing your
marriage preparation will help you to obtain
this dispensation from the Chancery Office. This
can take time, so you should start the process
early.
Please note that permission will not be granted
to have a wedding outdoors. However, permission
may be given for a wedding between a Catholic
and a non-Christian in a non-religious building
like a catering hall or restaurant if there are
truly extraordinary circumstances.
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What if we don’t fulfill all the Church’s rules?
A marriage that does not comply with the Canon
Law requirements (e.g., a civil marriage or a
marriage celebrated outside of a church), is not
valid in the eyes of the Church, and a Catholic
should not enter into it. If you
have entered into such a marriage, you should
speak to your parish priest, to explore ways to
have your marriage made valid (the technical
term for this is “convalidation”).
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What should we do if we’re living together?
The “conventional wisdom” is that living
together is a good way to prepare for marriage.
As with so many other popular myths, this one is
absolutely wrong. Studies show very clearly that
living together is not good marriage
preparation, but instead hurts a relationship:
- The divorce rate for couples who have lived
together is much higher than for other couples
(some studies report that couples who lived
together before marriage are twice as likely to
divorce within the first ten years of marriage);
- In the case of men who have
lived with a series of women,
the divorce rate is even higher;
- The longer the couple lives
together, the higher the divorce
rate;
- Couples who cohabit
typically have worse
communication and conflict
resolution skills than those who
do not, and a reduced sense of
commitment.
So what should you do if you’re living together?
- Because of the moral and spiritual problems,
speak honestly and openly to your priest about
the situation. Go to Confession, and seek God’s
forgiveness and healing.
- Take a serious look at
your motivations and
expectations about marriage
and your relationship. Ask
yourself: Am I really ready
for a life-long, exclusive
commitment? Am I feeling
pressured to get married?
- The best thing is to
move into separate living
quarters and be chaste until
your wedding night. If
that’s not possible because
of financial concerns, you
can still agree to be chaste
until marriage.
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Does the Church have a position on pre-nuptial
agreements?
The question of
"prenuptial agreements"
frequently arises in this
day and age. These
agreements are basically a
contract between the
prospective spouses about
how their property and other
rights will be handled
within their marriage, and
how they will be handled in
the event of a divorce.
The Catholic Church does not
have a blanket prohibition
against prenuptial
agreements. There may be
some cases where they are
perfectly legitimate. For
example, if a widow with
adult children marries a
widower who also has adult
children, a prenuptial
agreement can be a
legitimate way to preserve
the inheritance rights of
each spouse's children to
the property of the prior
marriage.
In most cases, however,
prenuptial agreements are a
very bad idea, and may even
call into doubt the validity
of the marriage itself.
Remember, one of the basic
elements of a Catholic
marriage is indissolubility
-- that marriage is
permanent, and cannot be
dissolved. Jesus himself
stated about marriage, "what
God has joined, let no man
separate" (Mt. 19:6). This
teaching is very strongly
reflected in the Canon Law,
the law of the Church. For a
marriage to be valid, the
couple must both fully
understand what
indissolubility means and
they must fully consent to
it. There cannot be any
conditions or reservations
about the permanency of
their marriage.
When a couple enters into a
prenuptial agreement that
foresees the break-up of
their marriage, it strongly
implies that they do not
intend their marriage to be
permanent. Instead, it
suggests that their consent
is only to be married until
it doesn't "work out", and
that they are more committed
to their possessions than to
the marriage. This is not
compatible with Catholic
marriage.
A prenuptial agreement also
suggests that there are
fundamental questions about
the strength of the couple's
relationship. It implies a
lack of trust and
commitment, and maybe some
doubts about whether they
are really ready to get
married. It also suggests
that the couple is not truly
dedicated to working through
any difficulties that arise,
but are instead already
contemplating the "escape
hatch" of divorce. After
all, no sports team goes
into a game expecting to
lose. What does it say to my
spouse that I'm already
thinking ahead to a divorce,
or that my stuff is more
important to me than
spending the rest of my life
with her, no matter what?
Our advice is that couples
should avoid pre-nuptial
agreements. We would also
recommend that the couple
talk seriously about why
they would contemplate a
pre-nuptial agreement, and
whether they are truly ready
to make the commitment to a
full, permanent marriage.
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Do we need to get a marriage license?
Yes. You have to present a valid marriage
license to the priest or deacon who is presiding
at your wedding, before the marriage ceremony
may be performed. For more information
about the current requirements for a marriage
license, check out the website of the
New York State Department of Health.
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 What is the FOCCUS pre-marital inventory?
FOCCUS is an aid to your marriage preparation.
It consists of a number of questions that will
evaluate your attitudes and beliefs about a wide
range of subjects, especially those issues that
are most significant to a successful marriage.
Developed by psychologists and pastoral
ministers, it can help a couple study,
understand and communicate more openly, and to
avoid conflicts.
The FOCCUS test is administered by a priest,
deacon, or pastoral worker. After the results
are scored, the priest/deacon/pastoral worker
couple can meet with the couple to help them
communicate better about the issues that are
important to them.
Please ask your priest or deacon about taking
the FOCCUS inventory. There is no fee if the
results are scored by the Family Life+Respect
Life Office.
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What is the “Pre-Marital Interview” or “PMI”?
This is a fancy name for the meeting at which
the priest/deacon will make sure that all the
Canon Law requirements have been met. For
instance, he will ask you for proof of Baptism,
First Communion and Confirmation, he’ll ensure
that any dispensations or other required
documents have been obtained. He’ll also ask you
a number of questions about your background and
your understanding of the nature of Catholic
marriage. The whole process is not very lengthy,
and offers an excellent opportunity to speak to
the priest/deacon about any issue you would like
to discuss.
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Where can we find support for living this
married lifestyle?
There are lots of resources that will support
married couples to live their radical,
counter-cultural life of self-giving permanent
commitment.
First of all, you have to realize that marriage
preparation doesn’t end when you walk out the
door from your classes. It continues throughout
your marriage – after all, we should never stop
learning how to love each other better. So, you
should make sure that you keep working on your
marriage. You should make sure to regularly
attend some kind of marriage enrichment program,
like the one-day Celebrate Marriage Day
sponsored by our Office, or a Marriage Encounter
Weekend.
Don't forget that there is no doubt that the
family that prays together, stays together.
There are lots of ways to grow together
spiritually, such as praying together as a
couple, or celebrating the liturgy together. One
great activity is to go on spiritual retreats,
some of which are designed for married couples.
Contact any local retreat house for more
information, or check out some of these
websites.
Another great way to grow as a couple is to do
volunteer work together. There are so many
opportunities, beginning in your own parish,
which always needs help in the school or
religious education program, CYO/youth groups,
etc. Or, you could contact groups that run soup
kitchens, crisis pregnancy centers, homes for
unwed mothers, or Habitat for Humanity. Local
pro-life organizations always need support, and
offer a great opportunity to make a difference.
For information about volunteer opportunities
around the United States and the world, contact
the Catholic Network of Volunteer Service.
There are also many groups and movements that
support a pro-marriage lifestyle. Check
out these
links for
some ideas.
Getting involved in marriage preparation will
also help you grow closer by sharing your lives
with engaged couples. After you’ve been married
a while, call our Office 212-371-1000, x.3185,
or email us at
christopher.mueller@archny.org,
and find out how you can help.
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212.371.1011 x3198
